Tomorrow is the first bout of the season for my roller derby team. Last year we grew so much that we have been able to split the team into a rough version of 'varsity' and 'junior varsity'. Since there is not truly a full amount to field full rosters for both teams, there are a few of us that are floating between the two. While I am officially an 'A' team skater (varsity), I will be stepping in to help some of the B team bouts here and there, and this first bout of the season is actually a B team bout against our nearest neighbors. Those of us veteran skaters that will be rounding out the roster are not supposed to be superstars of the B team, we are supposed to be the support for our up and coming skaters. It's a mindset that will benefit everyone, both A and B.
The division of the teams and my personal position has caused me to think about my personal motivations and goals a little bit more keenly. Thus explaining part of the last ten posts all from this year about motivation and fitness. I am an incidental leader. Rarely am I the first to offer up myself to lead a group or take charge in a certain direction. I do not sit idly by, but I realize that there is a position for me as second in command, or slightly behind the scenes. When no one steps up tho, I willingly offer my services and try to help in a leadership position. In the past it has come relatively easily, but I recognize that it is in part because I am stepping up into a vaccum, and the bar is set moderately low.
In the last few months, I have had a 'slump' in my leadership capabilities. Part of it stems from a series of events last spring and summer that really shook my confidence and emotional stability. Dealing with a narcissist that nearly destroyed the team (or at least it felt like it at the time), followed by a devastating injury that made me question if I would be able to continue playing derby, left me shattered and sustaining the position instead of progressing it.
Tuesday night on my drive home from practice I was listening to my local NPR's TED talks Radio hour. The focus for that evening was 'Leadership'. A quote really stood out for me:
"It is so scary to think of ourselves as that powerful, it can be
frightening to think that we can matter that much to other people.
Because as long as we think leadership is something bigger than us, as
long as we keep leadership as something beyond us, as long as we make it
about changing the world, we give ourselves an excuse not to expect it
everyday from ourselves and from each other. "
I am not sure why this triggered some things in my brain. It is not that I have not been aware that my leadership skills are lacking, and that I need to up my ante. I just have been living in a stasis up to this point. Still thinking, but hopefully actually acting.
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